More older adults prefer ‘living apart together,’ study shows

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Perhaps love and marriage don’t go together like a horse and carriage after all. A new study finds that older Americans looking for love are latching onto a new trend that tempers the demands of a committed relationship, a phenomenon known as “Living Apart Together,” or “LAT.”

Spurred by a divorce rate that has doubled among this demographic since 1990, many older singles — often divorced or widowed — have taken on “an intimate relationship without a shared residence.” New research was conducted upon the increasingly popular relationship arrangement among those 50 years of age or older.

According to Jacquelyn Benson, a researcher at the University of Missouri who is entrenched in the topic, LAT has long been an established phenomenon in Europe. Only in recent years is the trend reaching the United States en masse.

“What has long been understood about late-in-life relationships is largely based on long-term marriage,” Benson explains in a release. With marriage rates amongst older Americans declining, she argues that “if more people young and old, married or not saw LAT as an option, it might save them from a lot of future heartache.”

LAT couples want independence, but should still discuss end-of-life care

For their study, Benson and another researcher interviewed adults who were at least 60 years of age and in committed relationships, yet didn’t live together. From their interactions with this demographic, the two researchers found that there were a number of motivating factors for a LAT-type relationship.

A major theme seemed to be independence older couples wanted their family and finances to remain separate from their partner. A stigma revolving around living together and not being wed at an older age also played a factor; many expressed that describing their partner as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” would feel awkward.

Benson, who is continuing her research, points out how she hopes to help discover and resolve issues pertaining to LAT arrangements and late life imperatives, such as end-of-life planning and caregiving.

“Discussions about end-of-life planning and caregiving can be sensitive to talk about; however, LAT couples should make it a priority to have these conversations both as a couple and with their families,” she says. “Many of us wait until a crisis to address those issues, but in situations like LAT where there are no socially prescribed norms dictating behavior these conversations may be more important than ever.”

The study is published in the journal Family Relations.

Comments

  1. retiring in a few years. i’m ready to live part of the year on our boat, she is not. she’s free to visit me anytime she wants.

  2. Different strokes… for different folks…. If an arrangement of being in a committed relationship & living apart or vice versa doesn’t work …CHANGE IT !!!! The power is in CHOOSING what works….for both and that is a personal matter

  3. I’m 55 and have been married twice, once for twelve years once for nine. Being self employed I have realized marriage puts me at a huge disadvantage. At anytime a wife can decide she wants a huge payoff and file for divorce and attach the business. Doesn’t matter that I am incorporated, she can tie it up in court forever until I relent. No way would I ever consider marriage again. The courts and way too many women look at divorce as her chance to hit the lottery. I’m happy now with a girlfriend I live apart from. Will we live be together someday? Possibly. Marriage? Not unless their is a sea change in our legal system.

    1. Depends on the state. (If you live in California your are screwed either way) Look into what states are community property states and how common-law marriage is established. If you don’t live in a common-law state, live together but keep your assets separate and DO NOT MIX (co-mingle)YOUR MONEY TOGETHER. Do not file your taxes together and have your bank account at a different institution. Do not put your name on their CC, don’t buy a house together and do not tell people you are married. You don not need to tell people your status when introduced. Just “hello, this is Carl” or “hi, I’m Carl and this is Kathy”.

      1. Yeah, no it doesn’t. In no state is it legal for a wife to attach an incorporated business in which she had no material part. But that wasn’t my point.

        My point was regardless of the legality, she can tie it up in court so long it can effectively destroy the business.

    2. More and more are starting to realize marriage is too risky (50% divorce rate in America, most divorces initiated by women, women get at least half of her husbands net worth plus child support and perhaps alimony). This is why men are avoiding marriage like the plague in the United States.

  4. I’ve been with my second wife since 1996 and moved in with her in 1998. She tried to convince me that we didn’t need to get married and I agreed but I still got these subtle messages that she preferred a License. I understand all the legal things and inheritance, but if we’d left things alone we’d be better off financially. As it is we sometimes talk for hours on end and sometimes she’ll do what she wants and I’ll read. Neither of us is clingy and jealous which makes life a lot better. There are some things her and her x need to talk about having to deal with their sons suicide back in ’96. The x thanks me for allowing Mary to spend time talking and easing each others pain which is very helpful. I was able to get Mary to stop hating him which took a lot of her energy. Hatred really can sap you of strength, peace and other things like at family gatherings.
    It’s amazing how much the x’s are still involved not matter what. I also have a friend my age and he and his “girl” friend can’t be in the same home so they each have small apartments.
    Aside from all that I’m for marriage but not as it is done today. It used to be a social contract and not a legal or government with their big fat nose’s in your life. Do a little study and you will find that the Roman church invented matrimony and child christening as a way to keep track on the people.
    Then there is sex…

  5. Allowing females into white male occupational titles (civil rights act 1964) was a very big mistake. It has destabilized white families and displaced tens of millions of men. Male groups (males racially, linguistically and religiously similar) create “society” for male group members. All of human history dictates this reality. Males cannot form a proper stratification system with females being allowed to force their way into the ‘group’ structure. Unfortunately, white males are slaves to their written laws.

  6. Wow! Reading the comments regarding this story there is clearly a lot of hostility out there!

    As to the topic at hand, LAT relationships, I see absolutely nothing wrong with older people adopting this lifestyle if they choose. In fact, the demographic in my neighborhood skews a bit older and there are several people, male and female, who are in these kinds of relationships. In the cases of the people I know, it is mostly a financial thing. After long marriages they are widowed and if they remarry they lose the late husband’s pension and Social Security payments, which are usually greater than those of the wife who generally had a lower income during her working life because she was busy raising kids. For the men, they generally don’t want to mingle finances in order to keep their childrens’ inheritance intact. There are couples where one party feels compelled to provide lots of financial support to ne’er do well adult children and grandchildren, and the other party does not want their hard-earned money going to that cause.

    So these couples “keep company,” enjoy being with each other a lot of the time, travel together, know each others’ families and friends. They also enjoy their independent time, and don’t have a qualm about making plans to travel with same sex friends for a river cruise, beach week or guys’ golf and hunting trips. Nobody has to ask permission to do these things, the way they had to when they were married.

    As for medical directives, powers of attorney, inheritance, etc., if they choose to name each other for these things, it is perfectly legal to do so, married or not. Heck, my husband is still named the executor of his ex-wife’s estate as well as holding her medical POA because he is the only person she trusts enough to do it – including her current husband. I have the same authority for several of my single friends.

    That said, I hope this does not catch on with young people in place of marriage, unless they are sure there won’t be children. With older people you can be sure there won’t be any babies, and children should have the security and love of a two-parent home.

    1. I was looking for a comment like this. Whenever I see a “study” that seems like a waste of time I wonder how much it cost and who paid for it. May guess is it cost a lot and taxpayers paid the bill.

    2. This research was done at the University of Missouri. Maybe in the same department as that SHRIEKING FEMINIST professor who shouted out for “muscle” to physically remove a male journalist (cameraman?) who had a perfect right to be there and record the event. Her conduct, along with UM’s support for BLM radicals, caused freshman enrollment to drop more than 10% and alumni donations fell, too. You gotta love Mizoo (emphasis on “zoo.”)

  7. My parents, happily married, have lived apart for almost 20 years. They just both like a lot of “me” time and it totally works for them. I see nothing against it.

  8. Besides the sin of fornication, I don’t like the idea of LAT because it robs people of the happiness that comes of a total commitment.

    I wonder though, if the main reason is our lopsided legal system. Our laws since the 1980s have become punitive to marriage. All responsibilities are now the husband and all rights now are held by the wife. Living apart without being married avoids the legal pitfalls now so common when the woman decides she’s bored or declares war on her husband without reason. There is hope that this legal situation will change, though. The military finally had to make it mandatory that a marriage be ten years or more before the wife could take her husband’s retirement benefits. With most GenX marriages having lasted 2 years or less because the wife got bored or didn’t put any effort into it, it would be quite an incentive to stay in the marriage and work things out instead of just taking off with the kids, the ex-husband’s money, and moving in with a new shack-up honey, as Dr. Laura calls them.

    1. After a certain age, girlfriend and boyfriend just don’t work so well…at this point I use lady friend. Well, at least until I find a twenty something who’s into old pop culture and finds me amusing, then it’ll be back to girlfriend, at least until she gets bored and moves on to her future life. Still would marry her.

  9. Way ahead of this curve. Been doing this for over 30 years. Didn’t care what anybody thought then and give zero F’s now.

  10. Deep intimacy only comes from selflessness. Much of the joy of relationship is lost without the sacrifices and compromises that come with sharing as much as possible. Married 37+ years.


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