Dating a narcissist? Best thing to do is leave, study concludes

MANSFIELD, Ohio — The best defense against a narcissist might be your own instincts – if you’re willing to trust them early enough. That’s the core message from a comprehensive new study that challenges our understanding of narcissistic personalities and offers surprisingly straightforward advice about handling them: when you spot the signs, don’t second-guess yourself, just leave.

This straightforward recommendation comes from Amy Brunell, a professor of psychology at The Ohio State University’s Mansfield campus, who has studied narcissism for more than 20 years. Her latest research, published in Cambridge Elements’ Applied Social Psychology series, provides a comprehensive roadmap for understanding and dealing with these complex personalities in our daily lives.

“If you’re in a new relationship and you’re getting the vibe that this person is narcissistic, the best thing you can do is get out,” Brunell says in a media release. “It is hard to do when they flatter you and pay so much attention to you.”

The study reveals that narcissism isn’t a one-size-fits-all trait but rather comes in three distinct flavors: agentic (the classic grandiose narcissist), communal (those who believe they’re the world’s greatest humanitarians), and vulnerable (individuals who mask deep insecurities with narcissistic behaviors). While these types manifest differently, they all share core characteristics of entitlement, self-centeredness, and a lack of empathy for others.

“People are surprised when I say this, but when I meet someone who is very charming and outgoing, I am on alert,” Brunell says.

While she acknowledges that not all charming people are narcissists, her decades of research have taught her to be cautious. One particularly concerning behavior to watch for is what experts call “love bombing” – excessive flattery, gift-buying, and overwhelming attention early in a relationship. While this behavior might seem wonderful initially, it’s often a manipulative tactic that narcissists use to control romantic partners.

Perhaps most surprisingly, the research shows that narcissists aren’t completely unaware of their impact on others. Contrary to popular belief, many narcissists – particularly the agentic type – actually understand how they’re perceived and recognize their narcissistic qualities. They simply view these traits as personally advantageous, even if they’re socially undesirable.

In the workplace, narcissistic leaders often emerge as charismatic figures who initially inspire confidence. However, their reign typically follows a predictable pattern: they shine in crisis management and bold decision-making but struggle with long-term leadership due to their tendency to hoard resources, take credit for others’ work, and create toxic work environments. The study found that organizations with strong collectivist cultures tend to see fewer incidents of narcissistic behavior, suggesting that workplace culture can help mitigate these tendencies.

For those dealing with narcissistic bosses, Brunell recommends working through formal processes provided by employers, such as employee assistance programs and human resource offices.

“If you have an appointment, go in, get what you need and get out. Do what you need to manage the situation without any extra engagement,” Brunell advises.

The research paints a particularly interesting picture of romantic relationships with narcissists. While they often excel at creating positive first impressions through charm and confidence, their relationships typically follow a downward trajectory. Narcissistic partners frequently engage in game-playing behaviors, use jealousy as a control mechanism, and prioritize status over intimacy. Studies show that narcissists are more likely to feel attraction toward partners who admire them rather than those who show care and concern. This preference for admiration over genuine care reveals how narcissists prioritize validation over emotional connection.

Recent research offers some hope for those already entangled in relationships with narcissists. Studies have shown that narcissists can demonstrate increased empathy when asked to take others’ perspectives, and their narcissistic tendencies may decrease when they recall times they showed genuine concern for others. However, Brunell cautions that while these findings are promising, “it remains unknown how long such positive effects last or how it works outside the laboratory.”

Age appears to play a significant role in narcissistic behavior. The study reveals that narcissism tends to decrease across the lifespan, with a notable spike during adolescence and early adulthood before declining in middle age. This pattern suggests that life experiences and maturity may naturally temper narcissistic tendencies.

Men also consistently scored higher on measures of agentic narcissism, particularly in areas related to exploitativeness and leadership/authority. However, these differences remained stable across different age groups and over time.

Perhaps most importantly, the research emphasizes that simply labeling someone a narcissist isn’t helpful. Instead, understanding the specific type of narcissism and its manifestations can lead to more effective strategies for managing these relationships, whether in the boardroom or the living room.

While the field of narcissism research has expanded significantly, Brunell acknowledges that there’s still much to learn about effective coping strategies.

“People encounter narcissists all the time. But we need more research on best practices for interacting with them day-to-day,” she notes. “There’s a lot of good practical advice, but we don’t know how well it works yet.”

Until more concrete solutions emerge, the best approach might be the simplest one: trust your instincts when you notice those early warning signs.