1 In 7 Americans Never Experience ‘Passionate Love’ In Their Lifetime

Study of 10,000+ singles shows that the average person falls passionately in love twice in their lives

Falling head-over-heels in love might feel like a universal human experience, but new research suggests most of us will only feel that butterflies-in-the-stomach, can’t-stop-thinking-about-them intensity a couple of times in our lives. If that.

A study of over 10,000 single American adults found that people experience passionate love an average of just twice across their entire lifetime. Even more surprising, roughly one in seven adults reported never experiencing it at all.

Researchers at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute surveyed adults ages 18 to 99 about how many times they’d been passionately in love. The results challenge just about every romantic comedy ever made. While most people do experience passionate love at some point, it’s far rarer than cultural narratives suggest. About three in ten people said they’d experienced it once, another three in ten said twice, and only about one in ten reported four or more times.

Passionate love is that early-relationship intensity: obsessive thinking about your partner, intense longing when you’re apart, heightened arousal when you’re together. Psychologist Robert Sternberg described it in 1986 as one of three essential components of love, alongside intimacy and commitment. But unlike those other elements, which can deepen over time, passion tends to burn hot and fast. Research shows it typically emerges quickly in new relationships but fades within six months to three years as couples settle into companionate love, which is still affectionate and close, but without that same all-consuming intensity.

Who Falls in Love More Often?

The frequency of passionate love increased slightly with age. Older adults simply had more years to rack up romantic experiences. But the increase was small, suggesting that opportunities for passionate love actually become less common after young adulthood rather than more.

Men reported slightly more experiences than women, though this pattern only showed up among heterosexual participants. Gay, lesbian, and bisexual men and women reported similar numbers regardless of gender. The heterosexual gap aligns with previous research showing that boys tend to fall in love more often than girls during adolescence, and that heterosexual men typically fall in love and say “I love you” earlier in relationships than heterosexual women do.

How the Study Worked

The data came from the Singles in America study, which surveys thousands of unpartnered adults each year about their romantic lives. For this research, over 10,000 people answered one straightforward question: “In your lifetime, how many times have you been passionately in love?”

Notably, the survey didn’t define what “passionate love” meant, leaving participants to interpret it based on their own experiences. The sample included people from diverse backgrounds across age, gender, sexual orientation, race, and income levels.

Why Passionate Love Gets Rarer With Age

Biology offers part of the answer. Sensation-seeking peaks around ages 17-18, right when the brain’s reward system is developing most rapidly. This may partly explain why passionate love feels more accessible in young adulthood. Men also show stronger dopamine responses than women, which could help explain why heterosexual men reported slightly more passionate love experiences.

But life circumstances matter too. Younger adults, often free from responsibilities like raising kids and managing mortgages, may find it easier to dive into all-consuming romance. As people take on more adult responsibilities, both the intensity and frequency of passionate love tend to decline. Many relationships evolve into companionate love, deep emotional closeness without that obsessive longing.

There’s also a memory factor at play. Older adults might look back on their romantic histories with a more critical eye, setting higher standards for what counts as true passionate love based on their accumulated experience. Since the study asked people to remember their past, the way people think about and categorize old relationships could shift over time.

The gender gap among heterosexual participants likely reflects different socialization. Boys and men often learn to pursue and initiate romance differently than girls and women, potentially creating more opportunities to experience passionate love. Interestingly, this pattern disappeared entirely among gay, lesbian, and bisexual participants.

What It All Means

The findings challenge the cultural narrative that passionate love is both universal and frequent. Sure, most people experience it at some point. But twice in an entire lifetime? That’s not exactly the fairy tale we’ve been sold.

And then there’s that stubborn one-in-seven statistic. A substantial chunk of American adults have never experienced passionate love at all, despite living in a culture obsessed with romantic love as a defining life experience. Maybe it’s time to stop treating passionate love as a checkbox everyone needs to tick.

These findings could help dial down the stigma around being romantically inexperienced. When more than 10% of adults haven’t experienced something supposedly universal, perhaps “normal” is more varied than we thought. Not everyone’s life includes passionate love, and that doesn’t make those lives less meaningful.

The research also reveals something interesting about how people cope with heartbreak and stay open to future relationships. It might involve selectively remembering the highlights and downplaying the disappointments, a mental trick that helps people stay optimistic about love despite past relationship endings. Or maybe people just get pickier about what they’re willing to call “passionate love” once they’ve been around the block a few times.

The Caveats

The study, published in Interpersona, focused exclusively on single adults, which might affect how people remember past relationships. The U.S.-based sample also means these patterns might not hold up in cultures with different attitudes toward love and romance.

Because the research captured a snapshot in time rather than following people across their lives, it can’t show exactly how passionate love evolves as individuals age. And since the survey didn’t define “passionate love,” different people might have interpreted the question differently.

The study also couldn’t account for personality factors. Some people might just be more prone to falling in love than others, regardless of age, gender, or orientation.

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