COLUMBIA, Mo. — Perhaps love and marriage don’t go together like a horse and carriage after all. A new study finds that older Americans looking for love are latching onto a new trend that tempers the demands of a committed relationship, a phenomenon known as “Living Apart Together,” or “LAT.”
Spurred by a divorce rate that has doubled among this demographic since 1990, many older singles — often divorced or widowed — have taken on “an intimate relationship without a shared residence.” New research was conducted upon the increasingly popular relationship arrangement among those 50 years of age or older.
According to Jacquelyn Benson, a researcher at the University of Missouri who is entrenched in the topic, LAT has long been an established phenomenon in Europe. Only in recent years is the trend reaching the United States en masse.
“What has long been understood about late-in-life relationships is largely based on long-term marriage,” Benson explains in a release. With marriage rates amongst older Americans declining, she argues that “if more people— young and old, married or not— saw LAT as an option, it might save them from a lot of future heartache.”
LAT couples want independence, but should still discuss end-of-life care
For their study, Benson and another researcher interviewed adults who were at least 60 years of age and in committed relationships, yet didn’t live together. From their interactions with this demographic, the two researchers found that there were a number of motivating factors for a LAT-type relationship.
A major theme seemed to be independence— older couples wanted their family and finances to remain separate from their partner. A stigma revolving around living together and not being wed at an older age also played a factor; many expressed that describing their partner as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” would feel awkward.
Benson, who is continuing her research, points out how she hopes to help discover and resolve issues pertaining to LAT arrangements and late life imperatives, such as end-of-life planning and caregiving.
“Discussions about end-of-life planning and caregiving can be sensitive to talk about; however, LAT couples should make it a priority to have these conversations both as a couple and with their families,” she says. “Many of us wait until a crisis to address those issues, but in situations like LAT where there are no socially prescribed norms dictating behavior these conversations may be more important than ever.”
The study is published in the journal Family Relations.
Women won’t like this. After all, the current deal is: the man pays her for life no matter what.
Your right, men are seen as financial object by modern day women.
Walking ATM machines. The day the money dries up is the day they leave you.
Garbage! Another fake news-story. Must have been a slow news day.
Create an emotional tear ‘jerker’ situation and pull at the heartstrings of liberal readers.
That was my marriage for 27 years, from are 21 to 48 and it was misery, They called it “married living single”. A committtwd relationship takes two parties wirking hard at it .
Mine only got fixed when I found it she was involved in an “emotional affair” wirh some ugly SOB she was riding the train with to and from work. Thank God nothing physical transpired, because he wouldn’t be around anymore. I still planned his demise for quite a while anyway. Finally I got over it.
The last three years have been the best three of both of our lives, but it was hard.
Never mind all that crap. Get married, commit to the good and bad and ride it out. There’s no other way. That’s what marriage is.
You are lucky sir, if she had decided to she could have filed and you would have been out one wife and most of your stuff…the legal contract you sign up for with a marriage is something you would never sign in any other context. Thus, in my case, I expect to forgo ever being married again.
Be equally yoked with your significant other. Selflessness wins the day. Love never fails! God said it in His Word,
Spend time in the Bible daily and you’ll learn how to live right in all relationships…and your life will end well if you choose God’s Way instead of your own way. Put God on the Throne not you. True.
I’m 58 and am comfortably retired, kids are grown, divorced many years. Here is my problem. I find most women my age appealing mentally but lets face it, men age better than women on average and I simply don’t find most of them available to me, that is ‘set up’ by my friends wives, physically desirable. I continue to be fairly fit, do a lot of things younger people do. I hike, backpack, jetski, ride motorcycles. Now, I do run into women that want to ride with me, but I don’t ride Harley’s or ‘cruisers’. I ride sport bikes and am unwilling to take any passenger willing to ride because of the liability. I date younger women that either don’t have children or their children are well into their teens. The problem is, they often don’t have any financial independence so I end up footing a lot of expenses and bills which basically turns them into prostitutes which, I’m fine with as long as they don’t exceed the cost of a high end escort but as with most people, they tend to overvalue their skills. When I say no to certain financial requests they tend to get resentful. So, what I want, is someone my age, ideally that I find attractive and they me of course, but as we age, that gets harder and harder so, I’m willing to go the relationship part, go to gatherings and parties with mutual friends with a mature adult woman, but I don’t want her physically so what I seek is the ability to have the girlfriend but be in a relationship with the older woman. Sounds terrible I know but the main thing I think people my age look for is equal economic capabilities since they will probably have kids and I have kids, I’m not willing, and I assume they aren’t either, to spend their kids inheritance on their new found spouse. What I seek is someone who can take care of me if I get sick and I am willing to do the same for them, you know do the get old together thing, but I’m not willing to lower my physical standards and in fact, am not capable of it as I have tried and I just can’t do it. Not to mention I don’t want her bad habit, such as smoking or excessive drinking or just not taking care of herself and I don’t mind baggage or ‘a past’. I don’t care if she was a junkie whore as long as she ain’t one now and she didn’t just clean up ‘last week’. But it simply amazes me the number of women I get set up with to meet and they’re just in horrendous physical condition and I’m too old for a ‘project’ and they’re too old to BE a project. I finally had to tell my friends wife, ‘just who do you think I am ?’ Look at me, look at them. Where in your mind does this work ? Just stop with this business.’ I know what she wants is instead of me and her hubby being friends to turn me into a ‘couple friend’…one of her friends. And her friends are nice people, don’t get me wrong but the chances of a romantic relationship with them is virtually zero. And I have accommodated her more than once and gone out with them on couple dates but it goes no further and she’s perplexed and for the life of me I don’t know why and most of these women are well off, some of them absolutely loaded but no matter. Look, if you don’t take care of yourself now, when you’re looking for a man, that situation AIN’T gonna improve over time. They always want to cook for me and I’m thinking ‘you need less of your own cooking yourself, woman’. Eat a salad now and then, lady.
I know exactly what you mean, I’m younger than you, but women my age, at least the available ones, have definitely passed their sell by date but most of the younger ones I meat are not appealing beyond, possibly, a quick roll in the hay. I had plenty of those back when, and now I just do whatever I do…sometimes there is a woman about, mostly not…oddly I’m fine with that.
Well the problem is, it seems, as the old addage the ‘good ones are taken’ by a certain age, which I suppose works both ways. But the older you get, the harder it gets for sure. I’ve surrendered to dying alone and I’m cool with that. In the end, my kids will take care of me. Maybe. haha…But I tell ya’, I ever get an Alzheimer diagnosis and it’s a trip to the backyard with a pistol. No WAY I put my kids through that. I’ve assured them they will not have to deal with that. I’d just get on my bike, wind it out, close my eyes and vanish into oblivion. Or hike so far back into the wilderness I could never get out. I’d think of something.
My plan for that contingency is the bike on one last glorious ride with nobody knowing about the diagnosis. If you eat a gun in the backyard the family has to deal with the suicide feelings, eat a bridge abutment and it’s just the crazy old fart finally ran out of luck, but at least he was doing what he loved. 🙂
Thought of that too.
You might want to go on romance tours to foreign countries. Dream Connections is a company that has tours for men to Ukraine, Columbia and Thailand. Check them out, it’s for men looking for long term relationships and possible marriage. The women in those countries are awesome, great physical shape, beautiful, friendly and traditional.
My cousin was married to a bit$h, decided she wasn’t haaaaaappy. Took him to the cleaners, got house 1/2 his retirement, etc. His job takes him all over the world. Ended up marrying a much younger Indonesian girl, they have been married for 10 years, he is very, very happy. At a family funeral about a year after the divorce, the bit$h ex-wife actually had the nerve to beg me to talk to her ex, she wanted him back. I’m a woman, but women are stupid a lot of times.
You should hit the AT for a month or two & I’d be willing to bet you’d find a number of women with whom you’d be compatible. My son trekked the whole way back in 2012 (from March to August) & he met all sorts of people & has made some really good friends.
This is what happens when people let fear rule their lives.
Who is paying for this earth-shattering research?
LAT is not only not a marriage but hardly qualifies as friendship. LAT is a way that a person can have personal freedom but still have the psychological benefit of not being alone. It’s just like being a teenager who wants their freedom but lives at home. The older persons we are considering now are the Boomers, a generation not known for a rational mature view of life. They never imagined growing old.
depressing. marriage takes work, and people are getting lazier every day.
“Benson, who is continuing her research, points out how she hopes to help discover and resolve issues pertaining to LAT arrangements and late life imperatives, such as end-of-life planning and caregiving”
Widowed and age 70 has me wondering about this aspect of her research? Like so much in life and if fortunate to arrive whole in mind and body, we find ourselves there due to a matter of life choices, happenstance and planning for financial security. How is it that a study on this subject of individual life choices will bring anymore insight to effect a direction of change of what is legally available to anyone right now. It won’t.
The answers she arrives at will only be a perspective summation of each persons life, and then, not really an answer at all. What it will provide is for Benson spending time and money on a doctorate program and/ or justifying grant funding to make this study and to have this research put into some kind of context requiring the government to provide a compliance regulation to assure an individual right which they already have. Benson is just another over educated progressive looking to make a buck off stupid stuff research which means, living off someone’s tax dollar. When not writing this research, are on the streets with posters demanding free tuition pay for the 6 years of college it took to get there.
If it works for you/them…it’s great…there are a lot of issues with living together…I think I may try this…it has to be better than anger, heart ache and the perception of a ruined life and failure which comes with divorce/
And the loss of home and money. Marriage is bad for older people a good portion of the time. What is the point of marriage if you do not wants kids?
I agree completely.
I am 63 and have been divorced for the past 13 years and if I found someone I wanted a relationship with I would want separate homes also.
Are these people married…committed relationship is rather vague…
Unless you’re broke and have nothing to lose, a man would have to be out of his mind to get married after 50 years of age, or if you plan to not have children.
What works for some won’t work for all. My wife and I met at 48 and 58, respectively, both divorced, and we were and are just right for each other; the joke is that we have two people happy instead of 4 people miserable. After 13 years and counting it still works for us. Can’t speak for her, but if I were widowed I can’t imagine finding anyone else I could live with 24/7, or who would put up with me.
Dumb fad is what this is.
And the lived happily ever after “separately”.
This is pretty sad and pathetic that most men and women marriage advocated for ynical and jaded and ego is so fragile, that if you love and it doesn’t work out, then it’s 1 and done!!
The above concept escapes no specific age. Here lies the great problem with society..We used to place value on our relationships and family. Now we simply look for a way out “if we can’t deal with the slightest disagreement. We would rather head to court then compromise! Why is that?? Because most men and women would rather wear the Hat, claiming “I am right and you are wrong than God forbid put someone else before ourselves and maybe just once and awhile compromise!!
We are living in the greatest time of Blame and Shame..and one of the most
narcissistic times in history People have lost common sense and it is the New Found Era of Entitlement and If I want my cake and eat it too, then by God I deserve it!!! and while your at I want some ice cream.
I was married 22 years i am 50 and my fiance is 36! if I wasn’t willing to take a risk and have a little fun, I may have missed out on the Greatest Love and Adventure of a lifetime!
As a mom of 2 kids 14 months apart
i worked part time/full time most of my
and advocated for my son who was special needs. Was it easy oh hell NO but it was worth it to me. unfortunately or fortunately it didn’t work out. Was I disappointed and hurt?. Yes Did I need a man? No! Did I want one and still believe I was lovable and great catch?
Yes I did!
I’m just to trying to say just because you were hurt or broken, don’t give up on a healthy relationship. Leave the past in the past so you can live in the present while you prepare for the future. It will be
what you make it! ❤️
She is not really talking about a relationship it is a friendship with sexual interaction. It is not marriage or a substitute for it. Living with someone is very different and a higher level of commitment and trust. Living apart means just that ,the ” together” piece is another silliness that seems to dominate these days.
Just because society is always looking for the easy and pleasurable way doesn’t make it right. The world as a whole is moving quickly into a total Saddam and Gomorrah. I am quite sure a large part of this is money and wanting your estate to go to your children but in this day and age the legal system is so liberal and corrupted the partner could sue no matter what original arrangements were made and keep your estate instead of giving it to the people you wanted to have it. As someone in that age group I can say I didn’t do this before marriage and I certainly wouldn’t do it if I outlive my spouse.