COLUMBIA, Mo. — Perhaps love and marriage don’t go together like a horse and carriage after all. A new study finds that older Americans looking for love are latching onto a new trend that tempers the demands of a committed relationship, a phenomenon known as “Living Apart Together,” or “LAT.”
Spurred by a divorce rate that has doubled among this demographic since 1990, many older singles — often divorced or widowed — have taken on “an intimate relationship without a shared residence.” New research was conducted upon the increasingly popular relationship arrangement among those 50 years of age or older.
According to Jacquelyn Benson, a researcher at the University of Missouri who is entrenched in the topic, LAT has long been an established phenomenon in Europe. Only in recent years is the trend reaching the United States en masse.
“What has long been understood about late-in-life relationships is largely based on long-term marriage,” Benson explains in a release. With marriage rates amongst older Americans declining, she argues that “if more people— young and old, married or not— saw LAT as an option, it might save them from a lot of future heartache.”
LAT couples want independence, but should still discuss end-of-life care
For their study, Benson and another researcher interviewed adults who were at least 60 years of age and in committed relationships, yet didn’t live together. From their interactions with this demographic, the two researchers found that there were a number of motivating factors for a LAT-type relationship.
A major theme seemed to be independence— older couples wanted their family and finances to remain separate from their partner. A stigma revolving around living together and not being wed at an older age also played a factor; many expressed that describing their partner as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” would feel awkward.
Benson, who is continuing her research, points out how she hopes to help discover and resolve issues pertaining to LAT arrangements and late life imperatives, such as end-of-life planning and caregiving.
“Discussions about end-of-life planning and caregiving can be sensitive to talk about; however, LAT couples should make it a priority to have these conversations both as a couple and with their families,” she says. “Many of us wait until a crisis to address those issues, but in situations like LAT where there are no socially prescribed norms dictating behavior these conversations may be more important than ever.”
The study is published in the journal Family Relations.
Some are even MARRIED and living separately.
Indeed. Now, THAT’S the way to go. 🙂
Hybrid form of shacking up?
Waaaaaat? The narcissistic, self-centered, “ME”-generation Baby Boomers are, yet again, setting divorce records in the demographic they inhabit? NO $H!T. They took from their parents’ generation, then mooched off their kids’ generation, and it’s a surprise that they have not learned to get alone with others over an extended period of time? Eff the Boomers!
CANNOT WAIT until all the Boomers die off and America can heal from the damage they’ve done since the 60s. BOOMERS SUCK!!!!
We don’t care. We already have spent your money.
Reading the comments on this article has made me very sad.
Nothing is right for everyone.
Some people — I’m one of them — much prefer to live alone. I have discovered in recent years that my real nature is highly introverted. I need and want a lot of solitude.
Some people thrive in the company of others; and there are those, like me, who thrive in solitude.
It doesn’t mean never wanting the company of anyone else. It does mean that I don’t need it all that much. I am very content alone.
I have found, too, that if you’re really quite happy with your life, and ‘your other’ isn’t, it’s a very difficult union.
I think each of us should be free, especially in our later years, having likely struggled to get to this place where we might know ourselves better … each of us should be free to live our lives as we wish — in solitude, with another, whatever works for us.
Neither path is right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. Just as some plants thrive in direct sunlight, some need shade.
The key, I think, is to be content with who you really are. And if you’re to be with another, find that person who is also content with who he or she is. Two happy people make for the healthiest relationship. We can share happiness with another. But we must bring that happiness to the relationship, not think we will find it in another.
There are many different paths. When we allow for those paths, allow freedom to any others in our lives, and allow it for ourselves, the result is, I think, happy people. And above all, the world needs more happy people.
True wisdom speaks. An awesome post, sir.
Thanks very much, David. I have slowly learned things in this life, through one long marriage of 25 years to a wonderful woman, a much briefer marriage to another wonderful woman … to finally come to see that solitude is life-giving to me. This at the age of 61 … and I consider myself a very lucky man to have finally come to see and accept that this is who I am, and very lucky to have loved those I’ve loved, and been loved by those who have loved me. I appreciate your kind words.
The gift of Boomers keeps on giving.
Here’s a novel idea: find someone you love and commit your life to them. Live with them, eat drink & be merry for as long as the fates allow. LAT sounds like a 21st century version of the ‘free love’ of the 60’s. It figures my ‘boomers’ would giving this a shot. Why bother? You want single? Then stay single. Why bother complicating the issue? Makes no sense to me. I give this silly idea a giant “WTF is this?!?”
Back in the day, Frigid Crones would be left in the woods away from the tribe to spend their last days foraging for sustenance.
Back to the 1960s.
It’s just easier. Many people are divorced by that time and have left some really horrific relationships.
Not only is having your own space great, the other factor is the family…why move in with someone and mingle two families that don’t know each other
My mom is 78 and very healthy. Her boyfriend Silvio is ninety something and unbelievably looks great and has his wits about him. Latin lover, played brass with the Rat Pack. Seriously. Then made a fortune in specialty packaging. LAT works great for them.
This probably won’t be a popular comment, but sometimes there are other considerations to consider.
I know a very committed couple who choose to live apart for family reasons, and have done so for the last 5 or so years. with adult children who give the relationship very mixed reviews. Two of the children are fine with it, but the youngest was very close to her mother and views the woman as an interloper, and her feelings were so strong she decided not to invite her father to give her away at her upcoming wedding. She’s otherwise very nice and well-adjusted, but she’s way off base on this subject. The same thing applies to the couple. I don’t have a bad thing to say about any of them, but forcing a marriage at this point would cause a family breakup.
A second consideration is the family estates of both parties. Injecting a new spouse into the mix late in life changes how the estate is distributed, and the changes can be drastic. In some families, it can breed resentment and bitterness. Estates are funny animals. There is a surprising number of estates that are not settled amicably, some dragging out for three or four years.
I think what matters is that the couple enjoy each others company as old age creeps in. Watching a family disintegrate is ugly to watch. Sometimes compromise is best.
In related news, humans more selfish than ever.
Film at eleven — and twelve, and…
Selfish? Seriously? I’ve bought 2 homes and I worked my butt off to make mortgage payments on each. Now I live in a tiny studio apartment, because both of MY houses are occupied by women that I used to be involved with. Divorce laws and family courts are SO BIASED in favor of women. Any mature man who wants to keep what he has would be a FOOL to get married again. At least 50% of all marriages end in divorce. 70–80% of all divorces are filed by WOMEN! Our legal system is designed to protect and enrich women and decimate men. Selfish? NOT. Just healthy self-preservation, thank you.
And now for something completely different: a segment on commitment and fidelity.
U lost me at University of Mizzery. Safe zone central.
What I’m I missing? How is it any different than a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship ???
If they get married, they really screw up their social security benefits.
Marriage as a triviality, homosexuals completely normal, men dressead women taken seriosuly, God laughed at
all over the western world, and head-sawing, Christian killing mohammedans on the rise everywhere, This latest sad bit of news is yet another sign that the west is commiting suicide.
At this point in life, 61, I am certain I would follow this tactic since my children are more invested in my life than a new “girlfriend” will ever be. Works both ways and makes sense from both perspectives.
IMHO, I’d be content with a FWB relationship – call for a good time, dinner date, hug, or whatever.
Any woman who believes this “study” is good news, is blithering, witless fool…
Any man who believes this study is good news..
WOOOOHOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
This is nothing more than subtle propaganda by Daniel STEINGOLD.
Funny how people with similar last names are always trying to normalize breaking up the family… CONSTANTLY.
Go fuq yourself–STEINGOLD.
The American family is staying together and STRONG. Stronger than EVER before.