COLUMBIA, Mo. — Perhaps love and marriage don’t go together like a horse and carriage after all. A new study finds that older Americans looking for love are latching onto a new trend that tempers the demands of a committed relationship, a phenomenon known as “Living Apart Together,” or “LAT.”
Spurred by a divorce rate that has doubled among this demographic since 1990, many older singles — often divorced or widowed — have taken on “an intimate relationship without a shared residence.” New research was conducted upon the increasingly popular relationship arrangement among those 50 years of age or older.
According to Jacquelyn Benson, a researcher at the University of Missouri who is entrenched in the topic, LAT has long been an established phenomenon in Europe. Only in recent years is the trend reaching the United States en masse.
“What has long been understood about late-in-life relationships is largely based on long-term marriage,” Benson explains in a release. With marriage rates amongst older Americans declining, she argues that “if more people— young and old, married or not— saw LAT as an option, it might save them from a lot of future heartache.”
LAT couples want independence, but should still discuss end-of-life care
For their study, Benson and another researcher interviewed adults who were at least 60 years of age and in committed relationships, yet didn’t live together. From their interactions with this demographic, the two researchers found that there were a number of motivating factors for a LAT-type relationship.
A major theme seemed to be independence— older couples wanted their family and finances to remain separate from their partner. A stigma revolving around living together and not being wed at an older age also played a factor; many expressed that describing their partner as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” would feel awkward.
Benson, who is continuing her research, points out how she hopes to help discover and resolve issues pertaining to LAT arrangements and late life imperatives, such as end-of-life planning and caregiving.
“Discussions about end-of-life planning and caregiving can be sensitive to talk about; however, LAT couples should make it a priority to have these conversations both as a couple and with their families,” she says. “Many of us wait until a crisis to address those issues, but in situations like LAT where there are no socially prescribed norms dictating behavior these conversations may be more important than ever.”
The study is published in the journal Family Relations.
I found my husband needed a mother and a mistress-not a wife.
I can’t understand having this kind of “gray-area” type relationship forever…Its like living in the twilight zone. If you really loved someone, you would marry her or him. Otherwise, its just an occasional “dinner date” or friend and that’s about it…Love is commitment and without commitment, it really isn’t “love” in the traditional understanding of that word… I speak from experience; been married now for 35 years and we’re still ‘going strong”…
What if you don’t really love them but appreciate seeing them a few times a month and appreciating your time together? After 25yrs of relationship/marriage that I thought was going to last my lifetime, she wanted to end it and so we did. She just was no longer happy. I’m so much happier today and will never get married again. We get along fine today and have 2 kids 13 and 14 who are doing well. In fact our ‘family’ is pretty happy today. I speak with my ex several times a week and all of our yelling, gnashing of teeth is over.
So glad it is working out for you. I’m not saying this to try to make you feel guilty because you sound like a hands-on Dad. Good for you. But if you think divorce doesn’t cut the heart of your kids, you are wrong. I pined for my dad for years after my parents were divorced. I still saw him. He visited me regularly, but it wasn’t the same. Maybe that’s just me.
If you just see them a couple of times a month, then you are “just friends.” Just common sense to say that… As long as your kids are happy with this arrangement and your ex is, then it is probably better than fighting all the time. We never fight and get along great so that’s why we are still together… Whatever works for you, but its hard to be indefinitely in a state of limbo in a relationship. Relationships tend to get more serious as time goes on. That’s the human nature operates…sometimes wanting more commitment esp. when your kids grow up…
The author of this story is ignoring the root cause of all this. The govt. alters the course of our culture! Europe has been socialist for longer than the U.S.; we are simply catching-up. I have interviewed these people. The reason old folks live apart while longing for marriage is because their govt. benefits will be reduced if they get hitched. The reason blacks have so many children without marriage is because their benefits will be reduced if they get hitched. Have you ever heard of the “Marriage Penalty?,” and there are tons more laws incentivizing misery. Johnson’s “Great Society” and everyone who has voted Democrat all these years is partly to blame.
I flatly disbelieve there is any large demographic “longing” for marriage.
It’s true, the governments of the globalist bloc have been subtly balancing the scales against marriage for a long time and this interference in the culture should be stopped. That said, there are huge numbers of people who grew up in the modern era for whom marriage is not the foundation of their lives as adults.
I think as Tony below me stated, its part of the globalist agenda 21 program now the UN 2030 program. Why do you think they are doing this? look at China. one child policy to control the population. truth is, we can fit every person in the world within the state of Texas with some 2.5 acres and have the rest of the Earth to populate. Globalists want us to believe in this so they can control what we do, what we say and marriage is completely counter to this agenda.
It’s true, the governments of the globalist bloc have been weighing the scales against marriage for a long time, probably for purposes of population control, and this interference in people’s personal lives should be stopped. That said, there are huge numbers of people who grew up in the modern era for whom marriage is not the cornerstone of our lives as adults.
Friends with benefits pretty much covers the whole story.
I am past 60 and have been married over 40 years. I have had love. marriage, kids and never intend to divorce, however marriage is hard. I never intend to go there again with someone else. I can’t imagine reliving with someone else the arguments over whether the toilet paper should roll from the front to the back or vice versa, or how towels should be folded, or whether or not there is too much “grease” in the green beans when no fat whatsoever has ben added, or how the fitted sheets should be more neatly folded, or whose job it is to replace light bulbs, or…… Then, there are the disagreements over important things. I am too old and set in my ways. I am not a starry eyed kid. I am too old to be thinking about raising more children. I am not afraid to live alone. Why marry someone who wants to boss you around while being waited on? Unfortunately that just what most men are to their women—bosses with never ending criticism and demands. Sorry, I love men, but most turn into overbearing husbands who aren’t any fun.
Boy, did you marry the wrong person. I’m a woman and my initial reaction was that you were a man complaining about his wife. By far, more women dictate these little details to their husbands than vice versa. And you should have worked together on establishing more give and take both ways long before you got so bitter.
You sound like your mate is OCD! (I am, used to drive my kids nuts, but the two boys know how to clean a house better than their wives when company is coming, ha.). I am lucky; all mine wants is food, sex and me.
Take my wife, PLEASE!
The HORNY Devils just want FWB’s …. Easy SEX with NO Commitments
And the difference between this and friends with benefits is…..social security and medicare included?
Isn’t the point of the article that these people are not getting married?
That isn’t a new trend. Older, established people that have lived alone for a bit find they like it. They also have children that usually object as they are afraid dear old dad or mom is going to will away some of what they think is theirs.
I have to say, I’m happily married, but if something ever happened to my wife, I’d never marry again, but be happy to partake in this with the right woman. And by “the right woman,” I mean a woman who’d understand that my $3M portfolio belonged to my kids. She got nice dinners and trips. That’s it.
So the Boomer generation shows us they still want to be immoral.
And this is news?
Its not a trend, its fake news propaganda.
What’s the point then?
My mom is 83…no depends.
I wonder, how much grant money was spent, so this female “researcher” could “discover” an utterly obvious fact, which millions of American men have been forced to learn the hard way? To live apart–and NOT get married–will save you “from a LOT of future heartache!” Well, duh! Not to mention losing your home, losing access to your own children and losing a BIG part of your future income. That’s why American men are giving up on marriage. In 1970, when I graduated from high school, 70% of adult men under age 30 were married; 30% were single. I will retire this year, and those figures are now reversed: only 30% of young adult men are married–70% are single. Feminist ideology and unfair laws have all but destroyed the family unit and made the long-term survival of intimate relationships next to impossible. Most American women have become very difficult to live with; their sense of absolute entitlement makes them arrogant and domineering in every aspect of domestic life. In other words, women NAG constantly and pass judgment frequently, especially on men in general–and on HER man in particular. In survey after survey, women report that their overall happiness continues to drop–while men’s happiness scores have been gradually rising. “Happy wife…happy life,” is one old cliche that appears to be doomed. The more men escape the shackles of marriage (to unhappy women) or avoid marriage, the happier we get!
I agree with you completely, more and more are realizing what a bad deal marriage is today and they are avoiding marriage like the plague. Men get financially destroyed in a divorce. No wonder why the MGTOW movement is gaining steam in America and other western countries.
Living (in western societies) no longer requires the combined efforts of a couple to maintain themselves, and so long as that remains the case this trend will continue.
As interest in sexuality declines interest in co-dependent partnership also tends to decline.
That does not include those couples who have grown spiritually coupled however. A trip through any graveyard will confirm the phenomenon that many couples who lived long term together also died very close together, and age and health seem to have had little or no affect on it.
Total BS.
It’s the marriage tax. Older americans are figuring out that getting married and living together is too costly. Your SS benefits are cut and your taxes increase. So you need to maintain that second address.
My respect goes to those who don’t factor in all the government garbage and do the right thing regardless of the financial cost. Do what’s right and then work to get the legal system changed. And we should never have created SS in the first place…just started the whole “dependence on government” mentality.
I’ve been married 44 years, but I don’t recommend it.
Brevity is the soul of wit. And your brevity speaks volumes.
” Living apart together”. My wife and I alive apart together. My twin brother and I were born in separate hospitals together, My best friend and I went to different high schools together, we were in the military together, I in the Army he in the Navy.