Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, but do long-time spouses feel that way about one another years after saying “I do”? Whether or not one would still marry their spouse today is a thought-provoking question that indeed many have asked themselves, and this week, the question was posed to Reddit users in the “Marriage” subreddit (forum on the site). We decided to perform a simple observational analysis of some of the responses (which are still growing) to see if there was a majority.
After tallying 132 responses on the thread, the takeaway was clear: about two-thirds (89) of respondents said they would still enthusiastically marry their spouse today. Among the common reasons are growing together, being great partners and parents, and feeling lucky to have found their match.
Interestingly, a previous thread asking the same question last year yielded a far happier sample. Of 182 responses tallied in that post, 146 people (80%) agreed they’d still choose their spouse, while 36 disagreed.
Still crazy after all these years
Here are some of the responses among these Redditors enjoying true marital bliss:
“Yes, without hesitation. 45 years in and would do it again and hopefully make less mistakes.”
“I am 52 and husband is 68. Married 28 years. I would absolutely marry him again. As a matter of fact one of my favorite daydreams is trying to figure out how I could have met him earlier so we could be together even longer.”
“I would 100% still marry my husband. We are both 50 and will be married for 26 years this year. We have 2 sons and 1 granddaughter. We were made for each other. Not to say it’s always been easy, but it’s been worth every sacrifice we’ve made. He’s my best friend, my confidant. I’m disabled now, and he never stopped being himself around me. He’s never complained, not even once about having to help me. If the table was turned, I’d still be here taking care of him as well. Our rule has always been, never go to bed angry. Occasionally, we will need a bit of time, but we’re always able to come back together and fix whatever is needed.”
“My wife said she wishes I would leave her because of her health issues, and I can’t say my patience has always held up, but I’d take her health problems all day if I still have her. A good spouse would always feel that way.”
“Been with my wife for 18 years, I would marry my wife again today absolutely. I’m not the man I am without her in my life.”
“Yes. He’s my soulmate and best friend and life partner and I could go on about how much I love that man. Been together almost 9 years and we’re in our early thirties.”
“Yes, i would! I’ve seen this man changed for the better (he’s already a great man without our little family and just the two of us) but especially when we had our precious baby. I didn’t know that he will be this type of “incredibly-super” hands-on dad! i love my man so much.”
“Today and everyday until the end of time. She is the best thing that ever happened in my life.”
“We have been married 46 1/2 years. We took an oath for better or worse… till death do us part. We love and respect each other. We are 65 me & 70 him. We have had a lot of ups and downs but wouldn’t change a thing. Two wonderful successful adult children. My husband is my rock! He is truly the best man I could have married. I was 18 and he was 23.so…. Yes I would marry him again.”
Why some wouldn’t marry their spouse today
So what about the folks who would not marry their spouse again if they had the choice? Issues that led to a “no” include the spouse changing for the worse over time (gaining a lot of weight, not keeping a job, etc.), fundamental incompatibilities, and general unhappiness and lack of connection in the marriage.
Among responses from these individuals:
“No way in hell. Been married nearly 18 years, (43F, 44M) If I knew he was going to need me to be his mother & fail to keep a decent job & gain 100lbs I would’ve run for the hills.”
“Sadly, no. Not if I knew how I’d feel with the person years down the road. [In] hindsight, things that seem like they’ll be problematic will only get worse, and you definitely can’t make someone change their ways no matter how hard you try.”
“My husband and I have been married for 10 years this year. We had a very rough couple of years around the 7 year mark. If I got a second chance I probably wouldn’t. I’d rather stay single than have my insufferable Father in law anywhere near my life.”
“Not only would I NOT marry him today, I desperately wish that I had never ever met him… EVER!”
“I think a lot of couples are still together for a comfortable life. I’m sad to say I wouldn’t have married my husband. I understand why the youth ain’t interested in marriage.”
“I wouldn’t marry him again, no. He isn’t the same person I married. The person I married took care of himself and didn’t needed to be told what to do. He was my partner. When I was 7 months pregnant, he quit his job leaving everything to me. I had to go back to work 2 weeks after a c section to keep us afloat. After that, he needs to be told what to do and I feel like his mother. If I knew what I know now, absolutely not. We have been married 5 years and we are in our 30s.”
One response from last year’s post added another point of contention in marriage: when couples fundamentally disagree on politics and philosophies about life. “No. Over our decades together, I’ve veered Left, and she’s veered Right. It means we vote for different people, attend different churches, and can’t even agree on things like vaccinations. Imagine living with someone and you can’t even talk about things like elections, pandemics, the economy, etc. because it leads to profound disagreements.”
Does age matter?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age for men to get married in 2023 was 30.2 years, while the median age for women was 28.4 years. Simply put, Americans are getting married later in life than ever before. Research shows that the median age of Americans at their first wedding has been steadily increasing for both men and women since 1998.
Yet for those who might think that marrying at a young age would lead to a quicker divorce, several Redditors proved otherwise.
“YES, absolutely! My husband and I started dating in our teens, got married when I was 19, we are now 34 and 38 with two kids. We grew (and are growing) together, are raising our kids together, and he’s a great father and husband. He is everything I could ask for in a husband and a great role model to our kids,” wrote one user.
“I got married at 19 and my wife was 18. We’ve been married 27 years. Not only would I go back in time and marry her all over again, I would also marry her right now if we just met,” another said.
“We’re getting-to-be-late 40’s and married for almost 30 years. I would do it again in a heartbeat but in all those decades things were not always all roses,” added another. “Some times were actually pretty scary in the sense that after a long time you have so much of yourself vested in a shared life that the prospect (as unlikely as it may be) of it being shattered is horrifying. I don’t know. Maybe those times are sort of ‘tests’ because I’ve found that the bonds do seem stronger after (as long as nobody does anything irrevocable like cheating or abusing).”
Of course, some say marrying young or being with the same partner since childhood wasn’t so wise.
“No. Both of us are closer to 40 than 30 and have been together since we were 18. It’s hard to grow as a person when you’ve never been an [adult] on your own,” wrote one person.
“In hindsight; I wish I didn’t get into a serious relationship that lead to marriage at a young age because I too feel like if I knew myself better, I would have had a healthier relationship dynamic from the start. At 18-19 I didn’t have all around strong boundaries and barely knew myself. It definitely negatively impacted my relationship. I would have preferred to stay single until at least early 20s.”
What makes a happy marriage?
There’s plenty of research that points to the characteristics of thriving couples. Every marriage, of course, is different. What works best for some may not yield a life of love and joy for others. That said, we’ve published many of these studies. Here are some of their takeaways when it comes to the secrets of a happy marriage:
- Have a joint bank account: Couples who share money entirely argue less about finances.
- Be optimistic and supportive: Researchers say having a positive and supportive partner can yield greater happiness and health for both.
- Only argue over solvable issues: Experts say that when spouses focus on disagreements that can truly be resolved, they’re likely to stay together.
- Split up chores: According to an AI study, a female partner’s percentage of housework can dictate happiness since women are more likely to do more chores.
- Equal power: Research shows that when the balance of power between partners is off, the relationship is more likely to go sour.
- Relationship maintenance: This study shows that how spouses perceive how much effort the other puts into the relationship can dictate happiness.
- Time: A study of 87 couples married for at least 15 years found that marriage grows easier (and more fun) with age. People married 35+ years display more tenderness than younger couples.
Loving and supporting one another at every twist and turn of a relationship might not always be easy, but that’s why we get married, to begin with (at least, it should be). How well we can work together and be mindful of one another, whether with loved ones at home, classmates at school, or colleagues at the office, can dictate success in any relationship. A marriage is no different.
If you’re concerned about your marriage, staying silent and upset is rarely a good idea. Please try to talk about how you feel with your spouse. If it can’t be done productively, just the two of you, seeking help and having a counselor might be the next best step. If you’re worried about the stigma of seeing a couples therapist, you’ll probably be just as concerned about the stigma of divorce. Remember, what goes on in the therapist’s office is confidential, and the strategies you and your partner learn could save the marriage and reignite the spark that brought you together.