COLUMBIA, Mo. — Perhaps love and marriage don’t go together like a horse and carriage after all. A new study finds that older Americans looking for love are latching onto a new trend that tempers the demands of a committed relationship, a phenomenon known as “Living Apart Together,” or “LAT.”
Spurred by a divorce rate that has doubled among this demographic since 1990, many older singles — often divorced or widowed — have taken on “an intimate relationship without a shared residence.” New research was conducted upon the increasingly popular relationship arrangement among those 50 years of age or older.
According to Jacquelyn Benson, a researcher at the University of Missouri who is entrenched in the topic, LAT has long been an established phenomenon in Europe. Only in recent years is the trend reaching the United States en masse.
“What has long been understood about late-in-life relationships is largely based on long-term marriage,” Benson explains in a release. With marriage rates amongst older Americans declining, she argues that “if more people— young and old, married or not— saw LAT as an option, it might save them from a lot of future heartache.”
LAT couples want independence, but should still discuss end-of-life care
For their study, Benson and another researcher interviewed adults who were at least 60 years of age and in committed relationships, yet didn’t live together. From their interactions with this demographic, the two researchers found that there were a number of motivating factors for a LAT-type relationship.
A major theme seemed to be independence— older couples wanted their family and finances to remain separate from their partner. A stigma revolving around living together and not being wed at an older age also played a factor; many expressed that describing their partner as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” would feel awkward.
Benson, who is continuing her research, points out how she hopes to help discover and resolve issues pertaining to LAT arrangements and late life imperatives, such as end-of-life planning and caregiving.
“Discussions about end-of-life planning and caregiving can be sensitive to talk about; however, LAT couples should make it a priority to have these conversations both as a couple and with their families,” she says. “Many of us wait until a crisis to address those issues, but in situations like LAT where there are no socially prescribed norms dictating behavior these conversations may be more important than ever.”
The study is published in the journal Family Relations.
LAT. It may mean that two people have spent a lifetime putting down roots at separate locations, be it because of family, work, or property.
When young it is expected to take chances and still have a place to fall back to if things do not work out. When older, the last thing I want to do is be an unnecessary burden to my children.
When young it is expected to take chances with work and start at the bottom and work your way up the ladder. When older it is hard to jump off that ladder and survive.
When young it is expected to start a new home and the debts that come along with it. When older, hopefully the home is established, and the debt is minimized.
So in many cases it maybe the distance between the trees and not necessarily the fertility of the ground each one stands on.
Or
The more responsibilities you have, the more complicated it is to be transplanted.
Shhhh! Don’t tell GayMike, you are required to live your life on his terms!! How dare you think for yourself!! Hahahaaa.
It would have its ups and downs. I’ve been single by choice for over a decade and I can’t imagine sharing anything with anyone, but then again I haven’t fallen in love either and my marriage was a nightmare. I know people who live together who aren’t intimate, date others, and still consider themselves in a relationship. I don’t understand that either.
You are preaching to the choir.
There is no such thing as “falling in love” that maintains a long-term relationship. That’s the stuff of storybooks, and perhaps why your marriage was a nightmare. That and your apparent inability to share, i.e., your selfishness. You missed out on a great thing in life thus far: the giving of oneself to another in exchange for….wait for it….the expectation of nothing in return. Life is all perception and making oneself happy by exercising the will to be happy.
Wow…you know absolutely nothing about this person or their marriage, but boy do you come across as smugly judgmental in your comments. For all you know, it was an abusive relationship. Not everyone is ready to, or wants, a long-term relationship. And that’s OK. Some folks are too settled in their ways to let anyone else into their life, others have been hurt badly in the past and don’t want to risk letting someone close again. That’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t make them selfish or a “bad” person.
What Jennifer said. But she is speaking to a closed minded, narrow minded, person (read Leftist) that beliefs that EVERYONE must live & belief as s/he does. Personally, I embrace reality, NOT wishful perceptions.
Dude, I’m a conservative. I believe in traditional relationships of male-female as economic units and places for children to be raised. YOU, friend, are the Leftie with your “if it feels good, do it” narcissistic approach to life. You’re welcome to live however you want; I lived it as a youth and found it very unfulfilling, hence my long-term marriage and children.
I’m past 60, and I still believe in the power of love.
Love is all you need.
If only my ex thought like this….ie for giving oneself to another in exchange for expectation if anything in return’. She’d probably say the same about me.
A very wise man once told us, to never pass judgment on anyone, ever…no matter what. Forgive me, but you seem to be flinging a lot of judgment at 707spooky here. Just sayin’. My 1st wife was bipolar & borderline; she attempted suicide 4 times by cutting herself with knives. Your smug advice about “exercising the will to be happy” is really weak, when you’re trapped in a “nightmare” (707spooky’s word) marriage like mine (or 707’s) As for me, I will always pass judgment on modern Feminist women–and pass them by–for my own protection and happiness. May God forgive me for loving myself more than the arrogant, man-hating harpies who demand female supremacy in every aspect of life!
Rather than focus on the man who said to judge not (“lest though be judged…” – you forgot that part); maybe you should read the Book of Job from the Old Testament.
I am providing advice not judgment. Be happy (words from my Mom who probably did not realize the brilliance of her advice at the time). I’ll spare you my sob story (here’s a hint: it involves the “C” word) and just state that there is happiness to be found even in the most dire of situations, but as long as we compare our situations to those seemingly better than ours, we’ll have difficulty finding it.
My original comment was not so much about that particular person, but about the vast majority of people in marriages that ended because “they weren’t happy anymore” or “they fell out of love.” Sure, truly abusive marriages are on thing, but “abuse” in the sense that one is not getting what they had hoped for is another; and in my experience, the latter is very commonplace.
I knew an older couple who lived together rather than married because they said they would lose Social Security money being married. Another issue, and I’ve seen this many times, widower marries again then dies before the new wife and she gets everything that once belonged to the gentleman and his first wife. Then she passes and everything that once belonged to the original couple gets passed down to second wife’s children. I personally would never marry again if my wife dies before me for this reason alone. I know you can make arrangements to prevent this but I’m sure, unless both parties are well off, the one with less won’t appreciate not being provided for by their supposed new love. It could be the male or the female so please don’t accuse me of sexism. I’d guess financial considerations of one kind of another is the driving force in this phenomenon.
It really depends upon whether they were ever properly taught correct principles like this one that paraphrased for modern seniors is “for what shall a man trade his own soul” –for slightly less SS money? You either believe in your own moral virtue being a moral imperative or you don’t and there can’t be a $$ sign on it for I will keep the faith for X number per month from a government program that never should have existed or God–I am out of the program. All of us will eventually find out how that works out for those who thought that paltry difference per month was worth their honor and the bad example/stumbling block to the virtue of their posterity.
You and ALL your kind can just stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away, stay away.
🙂 !!
I actually did this decades ago.
And now I’m too old to rebuild another life after the divorce, much less get thrown out of a house I own.
As an individual Much Much younger than their age range living in this condition, it was acceptable at first (though was not the ultimate goal) it does not work for the long term. There is far too much independence created from this arrangement. To the point that arguments etc are not resolved, they just….”disappear” until they reappear. Yes the independence is nice. Yes, neither side deals with perhaps nagging because they have the escape. But there is no closeness created, and I do not recommend this, if you do not like the living together arrangement, don’t get married….lesson learned…but I do see this a trend that will increase in numbers, as all those who do not do it, think wow, that’s such a great arrangement….the phrase “the grass aint always greener” comes to mind on those that do live in the split lifestyle in response to those that don’t.
How many single older women or men want to sleep and hear their partners snoring and farting. The smell of old people is also gross. Living apart is far more pleasant.
I am a widow who was married for thirty eight years. We had true love for
one another and his love is what helped me through the loss when he
passed. I’ve not had any interest in looking for another man to share
my life with. If I met someone who had common interests maybe
that could change. I think what ever path people pick for their lives
is their business.
Next,
They’ll get grant $$$
and the Headline will be:
Study Older Adults finds living together better.
Today Beer is good for you, eggs are bad,
Tomorrow Beer is bad for you, eggs are good.
Enough waste of Taxpayer $$$
on
Faux Studies.
I know some homosexual guys who do this. Makes it easier to cheat on one another.
But you don’t have that as an option do you? So you just have gay sex on weekday lunch-breaks, without your wife’s permission?
Everyone, except you apparently, understands that being gay is for almost all gays, about being promiscuous. Thus there is ZERO CHEATING involved. smh
I don’t want or need that option; precisely the point. My happiness comes from my commitment to my wife and kids. There’s a trade-off, but I lived the pathetic life of the single guy getting laid all the time without the intimacy (non-sexual) that comes with a life partner in the same household with children. You’re living like a child with no responsibility to anyone but yourself. I think it’s a sad life and a sad statement on your personal values, but I protect your right to live that way.
If the 1st husband is dead, women might not want to remarry due to losing their husband’s social security.
Where do I find a guy who would sign up for this? Since my divorce I have dated many but not one I want to live with. I am now very set in my ways: my programs on the DVR, my bedtime, my refrigerator, my dirty clothes… I think LAT is a fantastic option but maybe men are too needy?
You must not be looking very hard. Men just need sex; if you’re offering that and no other obligation but the occasional night out, you should have them lining up outside your door.
You can have everything in an LAT, go to baseball games, go dancing, go out to eat, watch a Netflix movie, have sex, cook in etc etc etc but not 24/7. Living together doesn’t mean faithful at all. LAT doesn’t mean just sex. I wonder why you think that way. Is it a gay thing?
You can have everything except propriety, God’s blessing and self-respect. The root of the problem is all the same…humans deciding to take the easy way out of marriage or the easy way to a partial relationship. There is NO substitute for living life right as established by God. Either don’t have relationships, or have a relationship you pursue through a committed marriage. There is no middle ground and the repercussions will come, sometimes in the here and now, sometimes not until the day of judgement. But they do come.
Not me! 🙂 I’,m in an LAT after 25yrs of marriage. I got into it too soon after divorce though but saw an old gal friend and we started going out for dinner etc. She lives 25mi away. She loves me because I’m a very nice guy, but I don’t want to fall in love again. She’s sweet and I like her, but no. I may have to tell her this soon as her hopes are getting too high.
Maybe they don’t like the idea of having to share or be around the other’s spoiled ass and self-consumed kids and grandkids 🙂
Maybe they should choose better people to get involved with then…people who knew how to raise decent kids.
Sounds an awful. awful lot like reckless use of marriage as an institution, not taking the time to get to know a spouse, and leaving one foot out the door. AKA lack of commitment, something surprising in older people if true. But on the other hand, marriage in this day and time isn’t even needed to make children “legitimate” since almost the entire stigma on bastardy is gone. As it should be. The child shouldn’t suffer because the parents got their knickers in a bunch. So lacking that drive, and given the current falling away of the public from faith, I guess it makes sense. For them. Which is who its about anyway. None of my business.
IMO the key to a successful marriage or long term relationship is friendship. My wife and I were good friends before we got romantically involved. We had a wonderful period of romantic love and fantastic frequent sex that lasted about 25 years. Then she went through the death of her father, got depressed, and was prescribed medication long term that essentially eliminated her sex drive…and no matter what we tried and what her doctors tried the sexual part has never gone back to anything like it was. The great sex we had taken for granted for years came to a rather sudden end. That was a hard transition for me to handle…no pun intended! As the years have gone by we seem to have fallen back into the patterns of our old friendship…we do everything together and enjoy each other’s company…but no more sex (i still try of course and we have moments)…and surprisingly I’m mostly satisfied with that. Marry your best friend.
For every man lucky enough to marry his best friend, a hundred (perhaps a thousand) men are doomed to “the friend zone” by a woman they’re attracted to, because they made the fatal mistake of being friendly and open with her, rather than macho, mysterious and brooding. 98% of American females will shun a “nice guy” and go with a “bad boy” EVERY time. Story of my life. But I finally realized, such foolish women are not worth my time…nor the huge risk they pose to my long-term happiness and financial freedom. Solitude & self-abuse are far better than being trapped in a marriage with a woman-child. And almost all American women are spoiled, entitled, arrogant, self-centered princesses who obsess over romantic fantasies. See you in another life. Bye.
This is why the MGTOW movement is so big in America. Men are starting to realize marriage and divorce are too big of a risk to take and these men are avoiding marriage like the plague.
AWALT
There are plenty of decent women out there; too bad you have not bumped elbows with one yet.
So you’re okay with never have sex again lol? That’s insane. You should tell your “best friend” that you need to get some booty on the side jeeez
I had around 30 years of great sex. There’s much more to life and having sex with someone you don’t love just can’t compare to what I’ve enjoyed with my wife.
What ever other people want to do with their lives is their business. I’m married, 61, and have been with him for 28 years. He is 10 years older, so the greatest probability is that he will die first. I made up my mind years ago that once he is gone, I live on alone. I’ve had the very best I could possibly ever hope to have in a man in my lifetime – the greatest husband a woman could want – so I won’t marry or date again.
I hope you guys have many more years together.
Putting a new label on an old trend, it’s called friends with benefits, which goes against the Laws of God our Creator.
Yawn….
I don’t think you will be yawning when you stand before God at the Judgement.
My recommendation to my own daughters was marry somebody you really like that shares your world view. This crap about marrying your “soul mate” that I hear minds of mush make is a myth.
Soul mates aren’t found. They’re made. There is no “one right person to marry.” You make a commitment and you stick with it, as every marriage has its ups and downs.
And if you stay married long enough, 30 years now for me, you’ll find your mate is simply a part of you. The intimacy of the physical waned when my wife started experiencing what all women experience after post menopausal, but the relationship gets better each passing day.
God forbid she dies before I do. She couldn’t be replaced and I would have no interest in being married to anybody else.
You’re lucky.
Yeah his zero sex life sounds so lucky. Where do I sign up?!
Tex Taylor, You are so right. I have been very happily married for 38 years. I remember my husband and I had a spat about something or other shortly after we were married, and I said to him, “We can always get a divorce.” (We were in our late 20’s.) I’ll never forget what he said, “I don’t ever want to hear you say that word again.” That’s when I knew he was in it for the long haul.
I loved your wise comment. There are challenges, ups and downs, joy and sadness in every life, married or single. My husband is a part of me, I can’t imagine being without him, he doubles my joy and comforts me in the sad times, and I him.
More of our country is becoming God less. The Euro’s have been confused for hundreds of years. I want nothing to do with Euro trends. We are created to serve our wife or husband. My only wife of 35 plus years picks up the slack when I fall short. I help her in the areas that she needs help. The Key to marriage is regularly serving others. Volunteer somewhere, build the skill set for marriage. If you find your bride in a bar, your likely to bring home bar flies.
Tell my ex that. I did all the yard work, the majority of house work/maintenance…took care of kids, volunteered at school, maintained my profession for 28yrs…enjoyed life and told her I love her every day. It got stale for her, not me. She wanted out. After 2yrs of hell we are now divorced but agree on all things having to do with assets and family and are on good terms today. I’ll never marry again.
So sorry. I’m a woman and frankly it seems most of the relationship problems today are woman-centric. It all comes from the screwed up mess society has made with idiotic ideas of what constitutes equality and being “strong and independent”. And from the moronic leftist idea that raising children and being “at home” wasn’t work, wasn’t good enough and somehow was demeaning to women. More women need to tell society and the leftist crowd to take a hike instead of telling that to their husbands and kids. Very few who are so self-focused find their life improved by leaving…it it does in the short-term, it doesn’t last and it won’t because they are the problem and they take themselves & their screwed up philosophy wherever they go.
Legislated behavior, nothing more. The marriage tax penalty and high risk for losing everything in divorce procedings are strong incentives to avoid ‘commitment’.
Older adults earning 50-150k by themselves would be suddenly thrust into the 1% by marriage. Unscrupulous partners can siphon away half of their spouses life earnings and retirement for the price of a brief period pretending to be married.
No joy in having a target on your back.